Will Your Marriage Survive the Tough Times?
We all face difficult times. When the storms of life
hit, how will they affect your marriage? What can you do to make sure your
marriage will survive?
by Becky Sweat
Last year
Mike and Ramona Taylor were forced to shut down their restaurant, which
they had used their life savings to start only a year earlier. "Losing the
business was especially hard on Mike," Ramona says. "He'd just sit around
the apartment every day, hardly saying a word. If I suggested he send out
some r?m? he'd take that as criticism and storm out the door in a
huff. Eventually he found work, which helped our finances. But still
there's a distance between us that wasn't there a year ago."
After a fire destroyed the home of Bob and Arlene
Larson, they spent three stressful months living in a motel room with
their two small children. "Our kids bickered the whole time, and we had
one hassle after another with the insurance company," Bob says. "But, even
though it was a rough time, my wife and I both look back at what happened
and feel we have a stronger marriage as a result."
For better or for
worse
Sooner or later most couples face a test of their
marriage vows: a serious automobile accident, the loss of a job, a
diagnosis of cancer in the family, a house fire, the death of a loved one.
Going through tough times can leave a husband and wife feeling closer and
more committed to each other than ever before, or it can sever their
relationship.
How would your marriage fare in facing such traumatic
times? Would it survive?
The key to helping your marriage survive tough times
is to make sure your relationship is built on a strong foundation
before hard
times strike.
"Some couples come through a crisis and feel that it
strengthened the bond between them because they conquered the problem
together," says Norman Epstein, professor of family studies at the
University of Maryland. "But in the majority of cases, unfortunately,
tragedies tend to drive husbands and wives apart."
It's during tough times that couples often do the
things that tend to undermine their marriage, just when they need each
other the most. "When couples are under a lot of stress, they tend to only
do the necessary things for day-to-day survival, and their relationship
fades into the background," Dr. Epstein says. "They focus all their time
and energy into the crisis and don't have any energy left for their
marriage. Eventually they may get worn down to the point where they feel
alienated from one another."
"If you let a stressful situation dominate your life,
that's when it's easy to start thinking your mate is not doing his or her
share of the couple's responsibilities and begin keeping score," says
Scott Stanley, codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at
the University of Denver and author of Fighting For Your Marriage.
Who's
counting?
"Keeping score is one of the worst things you can do,
because marriage partners rarely keep score fairly," he says. "You usually
see everything you do that's positive in the relationship, but only a
fraction of what your partner does. If you start keeping score, even if
you're totally accurate, you're going to end up resenting your mate before
too long."
Along with scorekeeping often comes blame-placing.
"Pointing the finger is the hallmark of a couple who's under a lot of
stress," Mr. Stanley says. "It's easy for couples facing a difficult
situation to start thinking each other is not pulling their weight, that
one's doing more, being more responsible or working harder than the other.
But all that does is create a sense of divisiveness. It ends up me vs. you
and you're not doing enough."
Marriage partners blame each other for problems,
according to Douglas Sprenkle, professor of marriage and family therapy at
Purdue University, West Lafayette, Indiana, in an ill-advised attempt to
try to gain some control over a situation. "Oftentimes when terrible
events happen in life, what makes you feel the worst is the fact that you
have no control over what happened," he says. "Blaming can be a way of
gaining some control. If you can at least point the finger at your
partner, then that makes some sense of the situation rather than it just
being a random, uncontrollable event."
It doesn't have to be a negative experience such as
the loss of a job, health problems or a natural disaster to create
marriage stress. Even predictable, life-in-progress events such as the
birth of a first child, job promotion or retirement can strain a
relationship. "Any kind of change that requires the individual and the
family to reorganize is going to mean a certain amount of stress," Dr.
Epstein says.
Every married couple is going to have its share of
stressful situations. Obviously, you want to use tough times to draw
closer to your mate and build a stronger marriage, rather than let a
tragedy create a wedge between you and your spouse. "The crucial factor is
the degree to which you and your mate can handle stress and how well you
work as a team," Mr. Stanley says.
Here are 10 ways to strengthen your relationship and
keep your marriage intact when the going gets rough:
Work
together
• Talk matters
out. Be willing to share your concerns, fears
and hopes without criticizing or judging. "In order for a couple to work
as a team, they have to know what each other is thinking," says Pauline
Boss, professor of family studies at the University of Minnesota and
author of Family Stress
Management. "The longer you wait to talk to
your spouse, the greater the chance of your feelings being buried under
the rug and never being addressed."
Ask each other for ideas to improve the situation.
Think in terms of presenting a united front against the problem, rather
than allowing the problem to divide the two of you. Talk about out how you
can work together to ease the stress.
• Accept each
other's differences. When you talk to your
spouse about the situation, you may be surprised at how differently he or
she sees things. "It's a big mistake to think your mate sees everything
the same way you do," Mr. Stanley says. "The same event may make one
person angry or frightened, while the other is hurt or
depressed."
Each person has his own perspective. Learn to respect
your spouse's opinion, even when he or she sees things from a different
point of view.
• Avoid
finger-pointing. Fight the urge to keep
score, cast blame or say I told you so. Stop and think about the
advantages and disadvantages of blaming.
"There are some temporary advantages that can make you
feel better about your own role in the situation," Dr. Epstein says. "The
disadvantage is that if you blame you're probably going to get blamed
back, and you're going to feel like adversaries instead of
teammates."
Rather than point a finger, you should protect each
other from self-reproach and criticism. Reassure your mate by telling him
or her: "I know you did all you could do," or "This could have happened to
anyone."
Worst-case
scenario
• Keep the
tragedy in perspective. Distinguish your
fears of the worst-case scenario from what is likely to happen. "People
have a tendency to think in terms of catastrophes when they're under
stress," Mr. Stanley says. "This tends to either freeze them into
helplessness or have them rushing around in hysteria, which doesn't
accomplish anything."
Ask yourself, "What is the worst thing that actually
could happen?" When you think things through and look at the evidence,
often you'll realize the situation isn't as bad as you thought.
• Be
flexible. Routine tasks and responsibilities
may need to be rethought or reshuffled in an emergency. For instance, she
goes grocery shopping once a week as part of her routine. When he loses
his job and she goes back to work to help with the family finances, she
asks him to help out by going to the market. If he ignores her request,
this seemingly small matter can blow up into an argument.
"Rigidity often produces more problems than the
stressful event itself," Dr. Sprenkle says. "Couples who survive best in a
tragedy are those flexible enough to accept new roles gracefully." Learn
to view these new tasks as a challenge rather than a burden.
• Seek help
from others. Make sure you get enough support
from family and friends outside your marriage so that you're not overly
dependent on your mate for support. Don't be shy about accepting offers of
help from other people. A neighbor who brings over a casserole, offers to
baby-sit or runs some of your errands may be giving you just the break you
need.
Talk to other couples who have lived through similar
situations. It's usually encouraging to hear from others who have been
through the same kind of tragedy and survived. "One of the worst things
you can do is isolate yourself and suffer alone," Dr. Epstein says. "You
need the support and encouragement of others."
• Keep yourself
active. Don't let the tragedy or negative
thoughts dominate in your lives. Schedule activities to get your mind on
something positive. Get together with friends and relatives. Do something
fun with your kids. Plan a dinner party. Get involved with a new hobby.
Take an exercise class. The key, says Dr. Epstein, is "not to wallow in
self-pity." Take control of the situation before it takes control of
you.
Make the
time
• Plan for
couple time. Block out some time in your
schedule, several times a week, to be alone with your mate and get away
from whatever is causing you stress. Walk around the block. Go to dinner
at a quiet restaurant. Share a pot of tea after the kids are in
bed.
"No matter how terrible the stress is, you should give
yourselves a respite now and then," Dr. Boss says. "You need time to talk
with each other, without the tragedy facing you, so that you can regroup
your thoughts and say to your mate, 'Yes, I'm tired,' or I need a hug.'
When couples are under a lot of stress, they often have so much to say to
each other but no time to say it."
• Show your
affection. Make it a point to tell each other
"I love you," and say it often. "When you are in the middle of something
awful, that is the worst time to just assume your mate knows how you
feel," Dr. Boss says. "It's during the tough times that your partner needs
the reassurance of your love even more."
Express your devotion through small acts of kindness.
Put a note in his briefcase to say how much you appreciate him. Take the
baby's 4 a.m. feeding so she can get some extra sleep. Tell him you know
things will work out and that you're behind him 100 percent. Acknowledge
that she has had a rough day and offer to finish her chores. Small
gestures like these can go a long way when times get rough.
• Don't wait
for a crisis to build relationship skills. Of
course, you shouldn't wait until times get tough to learn how to work as a
team. "Look for opportunities when you're not under stress to solve
problems together so that when something terrible does happen you're not
suddenly trying to invent skills you don't have," Dr. Boss says. "Even
when you're trying to decide something as simple as what movie to go to,
these are the same skills you are going to use when you have to figure out
what to do after your house burns down."
You need communication and problem-solving abilities
such as openness, acceptance, understanding, flexibility, cooperation and
kindness—in good times and bad. Use the carefree times in your life to
build these skills so that you can draw on them when you need them
most. GN
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